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I've been agonizing over what to write or say since the racial crisis reached a fever peak over a week ago in the wake of #GeorgeFloyd's murder. I've had very little energy to write, create content, let alone do my regular day job (which isn't even full time!) In talking with my therapist I came to the realization that my spirit and mind are in mourning and experiencing symptoms of grief. I'm tired. As the Black mom of two beautiful Black girls I'm tired. As a Black wife in love with my Black husband I'm tired. As a Black birthworker and lactation supporter helping new [Black] families I'm tired. The list goes on- sister, daughter, friend, advocate- I'm tired. Tired of yelling. Tired of hashtags. Tired of thumb thugs not actually doing the work. Tired of carrying others burdens. Tired of being yet another generation of Black women expected to care for and educate others. I'm angry. Angry for yet another Black mother who lost her child. Angry that after 401 years of being BROUGHT HERE, Black Americans are still fighting for the dignity of being recognized as people in the very nation we built. I want to shut down, but then the "Strong Black Woman" mode kicks in and I, like many other Black people, jump into action advocating, educating, organizing. I want to sit, but sitting feels traitorous.

As I thought about what I could do to make a difference, I saw a post from a Facebook acquaintance that many of us were already engaging in revolutionary acts just by operating in our callings. I meditated on this for a while and decided she was right. So I'm practicing my advocacy in the ways that fit me the best. We can't all be the rah-rah, in your face protesters. Some of us work better quietly behind the scenes. So, Black family- keep pushing, we're doing the best we can. Take time outs when you need to because we can't pout from empty cups. White folk- pick up and carry your own armor. We [Black folk] can not and will not keep doing the work for you. Unpack your own biases, stop making it the emotional labor of your Black "friends". (And I quote friends because real friends don't make others do their dirty work.) Get uncomfortable- welcome to the last 401 years of our collective Black ass lives.

I'll be taking a brief hiatus to focus on the many projects I have going on, recharge my mind, body, and spirit; and devote time to my family. Because tomorrow isn't promised to any of us. Because my #blacklifematters, and it matters today.


George, #restinpower Beautiful.

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